Future

So I had some fun thoughts the other day. On Thanksgiving, I was talking with my family about jobs, the future, namely nursing. My aunt is a nurse, and she became registered as a nurse through a two year program at a community college. She explained to my family that she took the fast track because she knew that she did not want to ever "move up the nursing chain" so to speak, i.e. hold a nurse management job, etc. Now she works for some drug company, answering customer phone calls about how to use the drugs and what not. Anyway, she went on to explain how, for her, work is about getting in and getting out, a means to an end. In other words she "works to live" as opposed to "living to work" in the typical "I love my job and it defines who I am" fashion. I started to ponder my own motives regarding my future career, and realized that I fall somewhere in between. I can always see both sides to every situation, which turns out to be both beneficial as well as detrimental. If you know me well, you know that I am very indecisive, which can sometimes get me into trouble. Anyway, back to the whole future thing. I certainly don't want to despise my job, or even just feel "ok" about it. But I also don't want my job to come before my friends and family, and all the other things I'd like to do. Idealy, I'd like to be a passionate nurse and love what I do, helping others achieve a holistic state of well being. Instead of describing who I am, I'd like to think that my job will merely shape who I am. I don't think it's too much to ask to be happy in both my career and my personal life. I want it all! The reason I go on about this topic, is because I have seen so many people who are just unhappy in their personal lives, because of their jobs, for either of the two extremes. In one case, their personal life sucks because they hate their job, but feel they don't have any control over the direction of their life. They don't have the courage to make a change. So they continue to hate their job, let it get to them when they are at home, and take it out on their friends and family. In the second situation, they have received their dream job. They are very passionate and hardworking people. They give up everything for that job: their time, their friends, their family. In other words they have sacrificed their soul. The job becomes who they are, and nobody wants to be around them. This leads them to a life of loneliness and despair. And if they do happen to have a family, they probably won't stick around to put up with it for long. 

Life is such a balancing act.

What do I do?

It never fails. My Dad won't hesitate to make a heterosexist comment, or a racist one.

Today:

I'm watching the news. In walks Dad. "Oh is that that fag from American Idol?" (referring to Adam Lambert a former American Idol contestant). Me: "Could you please refrain from using derogatory terms like that?" Dad: "You mean fag? Would you rather I use gay?" Me: "Well, if you must refer to him by his sexual orientation, then YES. Fag is a very derogatory term." Dad: "To me, gay is just as derogatory." (he says with a wide grin on his face, as if he is so amused by my irritation). I don't even remember what I said after this. It's only after thinking about it for awhile that I come up with the perfect thing I should have said. Though I don't think what I say would actually do much to help change his ignorance. I just haven't figured out how to deal with this situation yet. I think my opinion and dissatisfaction of his actions are definitely becoming more known, but how can I get him to stop? It is absolutely offensive to me. Obviously I love my Dad and I don't want to offend or upset him, but I just can't deal with his homophobia any longer. It doesn't help that he is very stubborn minded and set in his ways. You can say it's a generational thing all you want, but that's not good enough. Plenty of people his age are acceptant of all people, all sexual orientations. I know that not everyone is going to support gay marriage (though obviously I think you should) but at the VERY LEAST, show a little respect for all people, and please refrain from the offensive comments!!

I won't hesitate no more

So as promised, I am going to share with you all a little bit of my new mindset.  I know I've already talked to several of you about this. But basically, I feel refreshed, like a huge weight has been lifted from my life. I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin again, and damn it has been a long time coming. Of course it's still a work in progress as everything is, but things are falling into place for sure. Spend some time with me and you'll see it. I've been doing things I never thought I would do, and feeling comfortable doing them. I am opening up around people I have never met and making many new friends. I am getting involved and taking on many personal goals. I even sang Karaoke the other night with some friends. Six months ago you would have never gotten me to do that. I wouldn't have come up to you to introduced myself and started up a conversation. I would have waited for you to approach me. I probably would have pre-judged you in some way or another. I wouldn't have told you about my feelings and worries and fears, and I wouldn't have been totally open or honest in doing so. I would have held back. I wouldn't have been very inviting. Right now I just feel like such an open book and I have so much fun and love to give. And I want to give that to anyone and everyone, sincerely. I just don't know what I was so afraid or who I have been hiding from these past few years. I don't know why I wasn't getting involved or meeting new people. I just didn't feel like myself, but now I do. I used to just think about opportunities for change, but now I feel like I can speak them and act on them. I am not afraid to make changes that need to be made or to pursue things that I feel like pursuing. I am genuinely a more pleasant and happy person to be around. I am honest with myself, and I feel like that is the biggest thing of all.

 Xu and Lauren I really miss you guys so much right now!!! I love you and I can't wait to see you!

This song pretty much sums everything up:

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I am saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more 
It cannot wait I'm sure

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is our fate, I'm yours

I promise I really do want to keep up with this blog, I just have not felt compelled to write about anything as of late...

Pilot Episode

Well. I guess I decided to start blogging again. About three or four years have gone by and much growth has been had since the days of xanga. There are several new happening in my life right now, and I consider that to be a good thing. great in fact.

About a semester ago I changed my path. I think I like this path better, but of course that pesky voice of doubt likes to whisper in my ear every now and again. I've been doing everything I can to immerse myself in this new journey, as I'm sure you all know. While I sometimes doubt the new career, I don't doubt the decision to change. I love what has come from it. The major-swap was just the catalyst I needed to shake my core and motivate me. It is from this one big change that SO much else has sprouted. I have discovered that working with people is absolutely what I want to be doing, in whatever form that may come. I lost myself for several years and I'm slowly finding my way back to the person I want to be. The end of highschool and the first two years of college were absolutely rough for me. Not in an F my life, tragic things happened to me, feel sorry for me sort of way. More like a wow I never really thought about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, became really anxious and insecure, don't know who I am, didn't adjust well to the change I thought I wanted so badly sort of way. There are some things about yourself that you may never be able to change and I'm accepting of that. I also know that we have the power to reinvent ourselves daily. Now I'm not saying that is what I plan on doing, but it's nice to be reminded that we do have control over the majority of who we want to be and how we want to be perceived (perception is a totally separate issue that I am constantly struggling with and will get to a later date). I challenge you to find one thing in your life that you don't like, and just eliminate it starting tomorrow (of course it's not always that simple). 

Time for bed now, but next post I plan to elaborate on all these changes that have sprouted from the obvious, tangible one.